


Binaries are for Computers (Not Spencer Reid)

by SSA_A



Series: The Family That I Chose [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: BAU as family, Bisexual Aaron Hotchner, Case Fic, Coming Out, Homophobic Language, M/M, Non-Binary Spencer Reid, Pansexual David Rossi, Pansexual Spencer Reid, Pining, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Queer Penelope Garcia, Slurs, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Spencer Reid uses they them pronouns, Supportive Aaron Hotchner, not beta read we die like the BAUs happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29381778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SSA_A/pseuds/SSA_A
Summary: Spencer watched them silently, their mind going back to the first time they thought they had a family like them. They were in college, only 14 years old but still the smartest in the room (arguably the campus) but their roommate was nice and he always invited Spencer out with him and his friends. Spencer only went a couple of times but they all liked him, they would stay up late and discuss the wonders of the Universe, the likelihood of Aliens and even the theories of black holes. Spencer thought they loved them all, since they were the only ones who cared about them on the campus, so when they told them that they weren’t a boy it didn’t go so well. They laughed at them, making fun of them and their identity before outing them to the entire school. It was not good.They kept their head down after that, not making friends and ignoring the whispers as they walked down the corridors to their classes. They tried to put their words to the back of their mind but it still hurt every time they heard them.
Relationships: BAU team & Aaron Hotchner, BAU team & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid/Aaron Hotchner
Series: The Family That I Chose [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161950
Comments: 14
Kudos: 93





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My First CM fic! It obviously had to be for a ship I have absolutely falling in love with and I needed to project onto Spencer Reid of course.

Spencer looked around the bullpen, their mind running 110 miles an hour and they couldn’t stop the thoughts. They were the normal kind, the ones where it made them feel useless and unloved, a waste of space, but there were always more; the ones they hated the most, telling them that they had no family, that the team hated them, the ones that made them feel alone. 

They didn’t even realise how long they had been staring at the one piece of paper before Morgan nudged them slightly. Their head snapped up and they tried to force the thoughts away. 

“What’s up Pretty Boy?” Spencer was normally good at hiding their flinches or grimaces but they weren’t fast enough from the way Morgan’s face dropped. “Spence?”

“Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. What is it?” They tried to play the flinch of, maybe their friend would forget and move onto whatever he wanted to talk about. 

“We were heading out for lunch, do you want to come?” Spencer looked at their desk, the paperwork was starting to lean dangerously but they couldn’t bring themself to look at the horrors in them yet. 

“Sure, have you asked Rossi and Hotch?” Spencer let their eyes drift to the two offices up the ramp. They never really went out for lunch but it wasn’t too difficult to ask them anyway. 

“They didn’t want to come but they gave me money to buy them something. We are meeting the others downstairs.” Spencer nodded and stood, grabbing their scarf and tying carefully as they walked to the elevator. 

“Where are we going?” They asked quickly, a smile on their face as Derek smirked at them. 

“Chinese, I think.” Spencer frowned, they were absolutely terrible at using chopsticks and the others knew it. 

“Did you know that the chopsticks are used by 20 percent of the world's population, which is estimated to be 1.46 billion people, and China alone goes through at least 45 billion disposable ones a year.” Spencer rattled off the facts from their mind, they liked facts, facts didn’t lie and they never made them feel bad. 

“And you still can’t use them Pretty Boy.” The name stung them again but Derek didn’t see their frown or small flinch so it was okay. 

“It isn’t my fault. They require at least 80 joints and 50 muscles, it’s like learning to swim, the older you are the more difficult it is to learn.” Spencer knew they were pouting, it wasn’t their fault that chopsticks were so difficult to use. 

“I know Genius, you have told me many times but it is still funny.” Derek laughed and Spencer grinned as well, happy that they made a friend laugh like that. 

The doors in the lift opened and they both walked out to see JJ, Emily and Penelope waiting for them beside the front doors. Spencer waved at them before they were being pulled into a hug by Pen. 

“I have missed you Junior G-Man.” Spencer grinned at her before backing away and walking with them all outside. 

“It’s been three hours Penelope.” JJ and Emily laughed at their antics before Garcías turned her attention to Derek. 

“Now how is my favorite Greek Statue?” Derek kissed her cheek and grabbed her hand before he spoke to her. 

“I don’t know Baby Girl, how are you?” Garcia laughed and faked a swoon as they all stopped in front of the closest Chinese place, one that they all knew was good as well. 

“Will you two stop flirting so we can go in?” Emily turned around to face them and Spencer laughed before heading in with JJ, they had no idea how the two could flirt so well with each other, it wasn’t like they were together — not that a passerby would know with how they talk — but Spencer just wondered if they would ever have that easy friendship with someone. 

They settled into a table, going JJ, Emily, Spencer and then opposite them were the other two. It was almost perfect but Spencer couldn’t put their finger on what was missing. 

They talked between each other easily, their minds far from work and focused on each other. They talked about the football game they had gone to see as well as the next family dinner they could have. 

Spencer watched them silently, their mind going back to the first time they thought they had a family like them. They were in college, only 14 years old but still the smartest in the room (arguably the campus) but their roommate was nice and he always invited Spencer out with him and his friends. Spencer only went a couple of times but they all liked him, they would stay up late and discuss the wonders of the Universe, the likelihood of Aliens and even the theories of black holes. Spencer thought they loved them all, since they were the only ones who cared about them on the campus, so when they told them that they weren’t a boy it didn’t go so well. They laughed at them, making fun of them and their identity before outing them to the entire school. It was not good. 

They kept their head down after that, not making friends and ignoring the whispers as they walked down the corridors to their classes. They tried to put their words to the back of their mind but it still hurt every time they heard them. 

Freak. Faggot. Tranny. Failure. Not a real boy. Not even a person. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. 

They were pulled from their thoughts when someone tapped their shoulder. Snapping their head up with wide eyes was a mistake because everyone was watching them and they couldn’t fake their emotions. 

“Spencer, are you okay?” Spencer nodded, their mind running away from them again. They could not tell anyone. No one could know. Not again 

“Are you sure?” It was Derek this time and he seemed so unconvinced that Spencer could only nod again. They needed to get away from them all. 

“I think I’ll head back. I have paperwork to finish for Hotch.” Spencer stood without a chance for the others to speak and they left the restaurant without a glance back. They knew the others would talk about them and they knew it was only a matter of time before someone mentioned it to Rossi or Hotch but they couldn’t just sit and pretend nothing was okay. 

Their phone rang a few times as they walked down the street back to the building, they knew it was the others but they really didn’t want to think about them for a couple of minutes. They pushed those thoughts away, placing them back onto the bookshelf in his mind and pulling out the thoughts for the cases they were working on. 

As they walked through security and headed into the elevator they smiled at themself and tried to make it look like they were okay. Smile and forget. No one can know, ever. 

As the elevator doors opened they smiled at a few people and headed straight to their desk, pulling out their earphones and phone to listen to some music while they worked through the paperwork.

Their phone kept ringing as they worked and they were sure Rossi and Hotch were looking at them but they kept working, trying so hard to finish the mountain of paperwork they had been avoiding for so long. 

They were finished with three files before the others came back, Derek taking Rossi and Hotch’s food to them before he walked back to his desk with a frown at Spencer. Spencer could feel all of their eyes on them but they ignored it and focussed back on the work. The Denver case, with the missing child and the uncle who was abusing her. They absolutely hated the cases where the children were hurt by family the most, it was horrible to think they were safe when really the family were the ones who could do the most damage.

They worked faster when they felt everyone look away from them and they sighed slightly in relief, at least they wouldn’t be questioned anymore, even if they were silent questions. 

Their victory was short-lived when Hotch was standing in front of their desk and staring at them with a frown unlike any they had ever seen on the older man. They paused their music and tilted their head in question of what Hotch wanted.

“My office. Now.” Spencer nodded, trying not to look at the others because they knew it was the team’s fault that Spencer felt like a child going to the principal's office, but they also knew it was their own fault for acting like they did. 

They walked behind Hotch, ignoring the stares from everyone before the door to Hotch’s office was shut and the blinds were closed. It was wrong, the blinds were never closed, not even when Stauss was with him. 

“What is wrong today?” Hotch asked them and Spencer looked down at their lap, they had gotten away with it for so long but they were finally caught, the end of their job at the FBI was close.

“It’s nothing, Sir, I am sorry for acting the way I have.” Spencer could feel Hotch staring at them, trying to profile them like everyone else but Spencer had been hiding their feelings for years. It was like second nature for them now. 

“We both know that it is not correct. You can tell me or you can go home for the week until you are better.” Spencer looked up with wide eyes, they were going to be benched? Hotch couldn’t do that, could he?

“You cannot bench me, Sir. I am telling you the truth, it is nothing I cannot deal with myself.” Spencer was not going to shout or cry, they were not going to act like a child because they loved their job and they refused to be benched for something so stupid. 

“I can and I will. You don’t trust us Reid, and we cannot go into the field knowing that. What happens when you need to trust us for something?” Spencer shook their head, they were not being benched for this.

“I trust you all but some things I need to keep to myself. Sir, please.” Spencer looked up at Hotch, trying to convey some sort of trust in their eyes before Hotch just sighed. 

“You know that rule about inter team profiling? We are going to forget that for a second and you are going to listen to me.” Spencer nodded and Hotch looked them up and down. “You have been off for two weeks now, you jump when someone is near you or touches your back from behind. You try and play it off as being lost in thought but you are tense for a while after it and that is telling me you are hiding something that you don’t want us to know about. You are also flinching whenever you are called Pretty Boy or Junior G-Man, to name a couple, but you smile with nicknames like Genius and The Good Doctor so that tells me you have an issue with being seen as a either a male or pretty and I think I have an idea of what one it is.”

Spencer just stared at Hotch, they thought that they were good at hiding it but Hotch had caught everything, even the small flinches. He knew though. He knew.

“Sir. Please don’t fire me.” Spencer didn’t know what else to say, the one secret they wanted to keep, the one secret that haunted them was known by their boss. They were royally fucked. 

“Reid I am not going to fire you for this. You are still the same person, but I have a few questions and you need to be honest with me.” Spencer nodded again, not sure if they could speak without crying. “Are you binding?”

Spencer shook their head, they knew how dangerous it was to bind and exercise so it wasn’t good to do that in the field, and well they also didn’t need to since they were born in a male body. 

“Pronouns?” Spencer’s heart skipped a beat, no one had ever asked them that before. 

“I use they, and them, I also just use Spencer as well, Sir, but no one knows.” Hotch nodded, obviously trying to work out his next question. 

“You do not need to answer this one, but what happened in the past for you not to want to tell us?” Hotch leaned backwards, watching them react to the question and Spencer was thrown back onto the memory from earlier. 

Freak. Faggot. Tranny. They shook their head and looked back to Hotch before he could ask what was wrong. 

“Just a bad experience from the first people I told. The team is basically my family and I don’t want to lose you.” Hotch nodded slowly, and Spencer looked away from him with a frown, they had never actually had a good reaction so they had no idea what to do now. 

“I know it won’t help much but you know we will all support you. It doesn’t change who you are at all, Spencer.” their name from Hotch’s lips made them look up and smile, it was nice to not be called Reid from the man. 

“Thank you Sir. Can I go back? I need to finish those files for you.” Spencer tried not to smile brightly at the man as they spoke and Hotch nodded. Spencer stood from their seat and left the room with a small smile, it was okay, they weren’t going to be fired or kicked out for being non-binary. 

They ignored the others watching them as they sat back at their desk and started to work on the files again. They knew the others wanted to know what was going on but they didn’t feel ready to tell them at all, not even with Hotch telling them that they would be okay with it. They knew that Garcia would be okay with it, she was a proud supporter of the lgbt community, and JJ would be fine with it because she had been the one to go to Pride with Garcia last year. Derek and Emily would be okay after a while, they would be confused but would get over it when they realised Spencer was still the same. The only one that Spencer truly worried about was Rossi, he was older and religious so there was always the fear he would hate Spencer for the truth. 

As everyone went back to work Spencer couldn’t help but smile, they had no idea that just one person knowing could feel so good. The fact that one of the team still cared for them even when knowing the truth made them feel like they could do anything. 

Their day was almost over before Rossi was beside their desk and looking down at them, “Dinner at mine? Everyone else is coming.” 

Spencer looked around, everyone watching them and they nodded with a smile, they had obviously missed a conversation while they worked. “Yeah, I need to go home and get changed first.” 

“Sure Kid. The others are arriving at 7pm.” Spencer smiled at Rossi as he walked back to his office. 

“So Pretty Boy, how many files have you got left?” Spencer frowned at the nickname but no one called them out on it this time. 

“Three left, why?” Spencer looked over to Derek’s desk, it wasn’t filled with files either so he didn’t want Spencer to work through his either. 

“Can I not wonder? When you finish do you want to get a coffee?” Spencer nodded, it felt like forever since they had a coffee. “Great. I’ll wait for you.”

Spencer worked through the files, they didn’t need that much work really, just a statement or two, and by the end of the hour they were finished and looking at Derek across from them. 

“Coffee?” They asked and Derek nodded with a grin. “I missed the sustenance of life, I crave it.” 

Derek laughed at them and Spencer grinned, they knew the others were slightly concerned at their coffee and sugar intake but they did love it. 

Derek poured the coffee for them both as Spencer poured some sugar into theirs before handing the sugar to their friend and they took a sip of their own coffee, a small sigh at the taste of it. 

“So Kid, what is going on today?” Spencer shrugged at the question, they knew the others would try and figure out what was wrong but they really didn’t want to tell them. 

“It’s nothing, just haven’t slept in a while.” They knew how to sell the lie, it was one they had used for years. “I’m okay, I promise.” Derek seemed to take the answer and started to drink his coffee. 

“Do you want a lift to Rossi’s tonight?” Spencer nodded after a second, they didn’t really want to get the train or even a cab there and back. “I’ll drop you off at yours then pick you back up when we are both ready.”

“Thanks. I really need to go and give Hotch those files, thanks for the coffee.” Spencer walked away with a smile and they could feel Derek’s eyes on them but they didn’t turn around. 

The rest of the day passed without any more questions thrown at them and Spencer left the building beside Derek, heading to the man’s car. They both got in and Derek started it up before he pulled out and started the drive to Spencer’s apartment, it wasn’t a long drive but they did it in silence as they listened to the radio.

It was nice for them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not condone these slurs at all and as a queer person I know how hurtful they are


	2. Chapter 2

Derek picked them up after he had gone back to his apartment and gotten changed. Spencer had opted for a blue shirt and black blazer, it wasn’t overly masculine or fememine so they felt right. They also knew they looked good in the outfit, they had been told many times when they had gone out. Derek was wearing his normal outfit, a tight shirt and black jeans but he looked good wearing anything, not that Spencer really looked, the man was not their type. 

Looking good Pretty Boy, who are you trying to impress tonight?” Spencer frowned, they just looked good in the outfit, they didn’t want to impress anyone. “Right get in the car and we can head over. I want good food and Rossi is letting us all stay over if we want to drink.” 

“I might actually take that offer, it’s been a long day.” Spencer looked out the window, they loved watching the colors blur together as they drove past. “Is anyone else staying?” 

“Check the chat, although Hotch said he might since Jessica has Jack for a couple of nights.” Spencer hummed, if Hotch was staying they might talk to him about things while the others were drinking, they didn’t really like to drink, not after the Hankel case. 

They pulled out their phone and clicked on the groupchat, reading through the messages and it seemed like everyone was staying over. They typed out a quick one and sent it, hearing Derek’s ring from it. 

Derek and I will be there soon. 

They didn’t give an estimate, apparently that didn’t make them more sociable, but what does their therapist know? They drove through the suburbs and it wasn’t long before they were in front of Rossi’s house -- mansion -- and knocking on the door. Hotch answered it, wearing a blue dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up and the top two buttons undone, and it took all of Spencer’s self restraint not to stare at him. 

“Come in, we are getting a David Rossi cooking lesson tonight. Something about ‘not knowing how to cook’.” He laughed slightly and Spencer smiled, they licked hearing the man laugh and seeing him smile, it was nice. 

Derek walked in, following the noise into the kitchen as Hotch and Spencer walked in after him, taking the wine glasses they had been handed, Spencer’s filled with lemonade and Hotch’s with wine. The others were already drinking and laughing so Spencer stood beside Hotch while Rossi explained the way to cook a proper Italian pasta.

They didn’t talk about cases when they were out, it was a rule they had in place to make it better for them all, they worked too hard as it was but they didn’t need ‘family’ time interrupted by the horrors they faced during the day. 

“I need a Sous Chef, and no Aaron you cannot do it.” Everyone laughed as Hotch shook his head and took a drink, they all remembered the horrors of his cooking attempt. “Reid get over here.” Rossi looked to them and Spencer raised their eyebrows, them?

“Rossi, he may be a genius but our Pretty Boy cannot cook to save him.” Spencer looked to the ground, they knew they couldn’t really say anything about the misgendering but it still hurt them to hear Derek say it.

“Well anyone can cook, except Aaron, and I think Reid will be brilliant.” Spencer just hummed, moving over to help Rossi, following the instructions as he spoke and it was nice, they had never taken the time to cook before but they could see why Rossi liked it so much, it calmed their mind as they worked on the routine.

As the meal was finished, a pasta that looked to be enough for them all with spare, and a garlic bread handmade, Spencer felt a sense of pride in their chest, they had made that with Rossi and it looked good. 

“Dinner is served, now let’s get to the table. Everyone please enjoy this meal that we have made.” As everyone sat down they thanked the two of them and Spencer grinned, they sat beside Hotch and Derek with Penelope and JJ across from them.

“This looks really good, thanks you two.” JJ took a drink from her glass before she took a bite of the pasta and smiled. It was good then.

“Well Spencer can cook and listen to instructions it seems, I think we can make a Chef of you, Kid.” Spencer blushed at the words from the man before they took a drink and started to eat the pasta in front of them. 

“So JJ, how are Henry and Will?” Hotch asked from his seat and the conversation went from there, talks of children, partners and the next night out. Spencer listened to them all laughing and talking, it felt nice but they also felt left out, they didn’t have a partner, they didn’t have a life outside of work really.

As they finished dinner the conversation drifted into past relationships and Spencer couldn’t help blush at the easy way Emily and Rossi were talking about sex. They had never really understood how talking about it with friends was good but no one was saying anything so they kept quiet. 

They looked over to Hotch who was still drinking and smiling but also keeping quiet, he looked really good and Spencer wasn’t sure if they were allowed to look at Hotch like they were, and they were definitely going to blame it on the talk but no one needed to know that. 

They were pulled back into the conversation when Emily laughed loudly, taking a drink as everyone around them ‘oooo’d. Rossi gasped in fake shock before he stood up and everyone’s eyes went to him. He took another drink before he pointed to Emily mockingly. “I will have you know that all my partners loved me. This one person kept coming back to me and they even said they loved me. So ha, people do like me.” 

Spencer’s heart stopped. Rossi didn’t just use they pronouns for one of his many hook ups right? Surely they heard wrong. Rossi was straight right? 

“How does that prove anything? Maybe they liked your bed more?” Emily countered his argument and Rossi looked so hurt that the others couldn't help but laugh. 

“They would never hurt me like that. I still talk to them to this day.” Spencer couldn’t be in the room. They needed fresh air. They stood abruptly, leaving the room while everyone laughed at Rossi and Emily. 

They could feel someone following them as they opened the door and stepped out, the cold air hitting them. Hotch stood beside them and Spencer looked back at the view in front of them. 

“It’s a pretty view.” They said quietly, trying to ignore what had happened inside, hotch was still staring at them but they ignored it while they watched the sky. 

“It sure is.” Hotch replied and Spencer took a drink from his cup. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know. They were all using they pronouns and didn’t even blink twice. I didn’t even think Rossi knew what they were.” Hotch laughed gently and Spencer loved the sound of it. 

“There is a lot of things that you don’t know about Spencer.” Their name from his lips made their heart skip a beat, not literally because they knew that wasn’t possible. 

“I want to come out you know. I want to tell them, but when I go to say it I remember what others have said to me.” They stopped but Hotch didn’t say anything. “It’s stupid I know, but the first people I told called me names. Things that make me panic even now and it’s been years. When I hear them I’m thrown back to being a teenager again with no friends.”

“I’m sorry.” Hotch said quietly and Spencer turned to him with a sad smile. 

“It wasn’t your fault Hotch. You didn’t call me it.” Hotch shook his head and Spencer took another drink. “I know words shouldn’t hold power over me but they still do, I hate it.” 

“I can’t change the past but I know that in the future no one will ever say things like that to you. Not unless they go through me first.” Spencer smiled at Hotch and resisted the urge to lean on the man, maybe they were a little drunk. 

“Thank you.” They said quietly and Hotch just hummed. It was nice with just the two of them, watching the sky and drinking together. It almost felt domestic.


	3. Chapter 3

They walked into the bullpen at 7am like every morning, and like every morning the only other people there were JJ, Hotch and Rossi. The four of them knew the routine, when Spencer arrived they would get coffee for everyone and place it on their desks, then they would all work on their own files until the others got in and JJ got a case. If JJ didn’t get a case the others would arrive for paperwork. 

As the others started to trickle in Spencer watched as JJ walked into Hotch’s office and they knew it would be a case for them. Hopefully they would be finished in time so they could sleep in their own bed. 

“Briefing in ten.” Hotch’s voice called out from the ramp and everyone turned to him with a nod, and from the looks of his face Spencer was not going to be sleeping in their own bed for a few days. 

“Hey Pretty Boy how was your night?” Derek asked and Spencer just shrugged, it was okay, not the best but not the worst. 

“It was fine. Are you two coming?” Spencer looked at Emily who nodded and they all stood from their desks, walking towards the Briefing room and settling into their seats with their coffees. 

Hotch walked in first, with Rossi and JJ following him and as they all quietened down the silence felt suffocating. 

“Three days ago, in LA, Michael Rodrigo was murdered in an alley beside a bar. He had been beaten and had this.” JJ flicked the screen and Spencer grimaced at the image. “Carved into his head. Last night River Landó was found dead in a park close to her house with the same thing carved into her head.” 

River’s face appeared beside Michael’s and Spencer had to stop themself from leaving the room. Carved into both of their foreheads was the word Faggot. 

“Wheels up in 30.” Hotch told them all and Spencer nodded, they needed to stop thinking about the past and focus on the case, they needed to stop more murders. 

The journey to the plane felt like seconds to Spencer, mostly from them going over the file to try and work out what was going on, they were targeted for being part of the community obviously but who knew them? Was the unsub doing it because they felt uncomfortable in their own identity? Spencer felt sick to their stomach and they knew Hotch was watching them in the mirror. 

On the plane they listened to everyone and tried to make a theory from them all. Derek was set on the unsub having internalized homophobia and the others were quick to agree with him, but it wasn’t right, Spencer couldn’t place their finger on it. 

“I am going to the station, Morgan and Rossi, I want you two to go to the dump sites, Emily to the morgue. Reid and JJ, I want you to interview the family and friends, find out what they know.” Spencer looked up with wide eyes, they were talking to relatives? Did Hotch know them? 

The others seemed to be thinking along the same lines because they all just stared at Hotch with looks of disbelief. It was cut off from Garcia popping up on the screen and Spencer sighed in relief.

“My dear loves, how goes you today?” Derek and Emily laughed at her before she continued talking to them all. “I have some information about our vics. Both of them frequented a gay bar called ‘Safe Haven’ and they both were openly queer.” Spencer raised an eyebrow, she said queer instead of gay, which was unusual since Garcías normally said gay. 

“What did they identify as specifically?” Spencer asked from their seat and Garcia smiled at them. 

“Good Doctor you are perfect, never change, but yes you are right they weren’t both gay. Michael was a cisgender man, identifying as gay. While River was genderqueer and identified as pansexual. They used they and them pronouns and had been out since they were 16. Both vics had been kicked out from their family but found a family in LA.” 

Spencer did not react. They could not react. River was basically them. They could not show how scared that made them. 

They felt eyes on them as everyone continued talking to Garcia about the vics and their habits, so when Spencer looked up to see Hotch watching them they knew their panic was clear to him. 

“I’m getting a coffee.” Spencer said quietly and no one said anything as they stood from their seat and moved to the small kitchenette. Hotch followed them, they could feel him behind them as they started the coffee pot. 

“Are you okay?” Hotch asked quietly, trying not to draw attention to them both. Spencer took a second to think it over, they honestly didn’t know at the second. 

“I don’t know. Hotch. That word.” They shook their head and focussed on the coffee pot in front of them. 

“If you need to sit this one out I can say something personal came up and you needed to go to your mom.” 

“No. I need to stop the unsub. River and Michael didn’t deserve this and I’ll be damned if someone else dies because they decided to come out.” Hotch watched them as they poured the coffee into two cups, he was profiling them and they both knew it. 

“If you need a break take it. Don’t over work and you know I am always here to talk to.” Spencer nodded, handing him his cup before they walked back to the others and settled back in their seat. 

Hotch walked back behind them and the team caught them both up on their theories. 

The unsub was most likely a male with internalized homophobia, he was probably abused as a child and forced his identity down to survive but it came back in full force when he saw how happy the vics were. A good theory for them all to work with until something else came to light. 

The journey wasn’t that long, an hour or so, and by the time they had landed they were all ready to go and profile everything they needed to. Rossi and Derek took one car, Emily and Hotch took the second and JJ drove Spencer and herself to the home of Michael. 

“So, Spence, why are you doing the family and friends? Normally you would be working in the station.” The question was innocent but JJ was trying to profile them and Spencer wasn’t really sure of the answer. 

“I think Hotch wants me to get more practice at talking to others.” They looked at the file in their lap and were silent for the rest of the ride, not that long since the house was only a few miles from the airport. 

JJ knocked on the door and the person answering it looked a mess. “What?” They asked with a sigh and Spencer tried not to let their heart in the way. It was a normal case. 

“I am Agent Jennifer Jareau and this is Doctor Spencer Reid, we are with the FBIs Behavioral Analysis Unit, can we come in?” JJ flashed her badge and Spencer did the same with a smile at them. 

The person looked at the badge for a second before nodding and opening the door for them both. 

“I’m MJ, she and her pronouns please. Yours?” Spencer froze. They did not want to come out but they really didn’t want to be called male and he at all. 

“She and her as well.” JJ spoke before they both turned to Spencer and they swallowed. 

“Uh, he and him thanks.” The look that MJ gave them was one of pure disbelief but she didn’t call them out on it. 

“Right. So what do you want to know about Michael?” Spencer looked to JJ and she took over for them. 

“Can you tell us if Michael had met anyone new recently? Maybe someone bought him a drink at the bar?” Spencer watched MJ carefully, watching her react, nothing out of the ordinary for a grieving friend. 

“He never mentioned anyone. He wasn’t one for dating, not after his ex. The asshole was abusive and Mickey never trusted anyone truly after him.” She spoke about the ex with such a distaste that Spencer hated him as well.

“This ex, what is his name?” JJ asked, pulling out her phone and waiting for MJ to tell her. 

“Kevin Miller. He is an IT guy for a company. I can’t remember the name right now.” Spencer nodded at her and JJ sent the name to Garcia before she turned back to MJ. 

“Do you know River Landó?” She shook her head and JJ just nodded before she spoke again. “Can you tell me what Michael was like? Did he talk about his family?” MJ shook her head and Spencer wanted to leave, they really didn’t need to listen about Micheal’s hateful family. 

“He hasn’t talked to them in years. They disowned him when he came out, it was a mess so we moved out here.” 

“Was he happy here?” Spencer asked and MJ nodded at them. “Did he ever talk about going back to his family?” 

“No. They told him.” She stopped and Spencer waited for her to continue. “They said if he ever went back they would kill him.” She burst into tears and Spencer looked away. “I’m sorry, are we done?” 

“Yes. I am so sorry for your loss.” JJ spoke softly to her and MJ nodded, not meeting her eyes as she stood up and Spencer followed. 

Just as they were at the door, JJ already outside, MJ stopped Spencer. “She doesn’t know does she?” Spencer shook their head. “For what it’s worth Doctor I think she would take it well.” 

“How did you know?” They asked quietly, not sure how she could get it while none of the team knew. 

“I’ve known many genderqueer people and you also froze when I asked for pronouns.” Spencer nodded and looked out to see JJ watching them in the car. “Catch this fucker and make sure they suffer. Michael didn’t deserve this.” 

“I will. I’m sorry. If you need us we are at the police station, ask for me.” MJ just nodded and Spencer left the house before they got into the car with JJ.

“What did she say?” Spencer looked back to the door where MJ was crying still and they knew they had to find the unsub for her and others. 

“She told me to catch the unsub, for Michael.” There was a small lump in their throat as they spoke but JJ took the answer and started to drive them towards River’s house. JJ’s phone started to ring and Spencer answered it to Garcia’s voice. 

“My favorite Doctor and blonde I have some information about this Kevin person. He is not a nice person at all, four charges of assault and a restraining order against him from Michael. He was also in the club at the same time Michael was on the night of the murder.” Spencer sighed and added his name to the list of suspects, they really hated abusers. 

“Can you get Hotch to bring him in? He might be a good suspect.” Garcia hummed in response and Spencer took that as the cue to hang up. 

“I don’t think it’s him, he might have some information though.” Spencer looked out of the window, watching the colors of the suburb they were in blur together. The green grass, the white houses, the blue sky. It was nice. 

“Most likely not with the profile we have. Do you think he was there for Michael though?” JJ turned into a smaller street and Spencer hummed, unsure if she was right. 

They stopped at River’s house, not that far from Michael’s so that would factor into the geographical profile. 

“Right. River was found in a park and the officers came to the conclusion that s- no they- were walking back from work. The roommate is Hannah Joyce.” Spencer smiled as they heard JJ correct herself, at least they knew she respected pronouns if they ever came out. 

“Where did they work?” Spencer asked as they both walked up to the door and knocked on it. 

“A book shop called ‘Uptown Books’.” Spencer hummed and looked to the door as Hannah opened it to them. “Hi, I’m Agent Jennifer Jareau and this is Doctor Spencer Reid. We are with the FBIs Behavioral Analysis Unit, can we ask you a few questions?” 

“Yeah. Come in.” Hannah let them in and Spencer looked around, it was clean and looked like a normal home. “I’m Hannah. This is about River right,” her voice stuck on their name and Spencer nodded slowly. 

“It is. We want to find who did this to them.” Spencer said quietly and Hannah looked to the ground like she was going to cry. “Would you like to sit down for this?” She nodded and the three of them headed into the room beside the hall. 

“So what do you need to know?” She asked as she fiddled with her shirt. 

“Can you tell us if River had met anyone new? Maybe at work? Or a bar?” Spencer looked around the room, pictures were everywhere, but it was just the two of them in them all. They were together. 

“No. They weren’t very sociable, I tried to get them to meet people but they said.” She paused and Spencer smiled gently at her, waiting for her to continue. “They always told me that they only needed me.” 

JJ seemed to come to the same conclusion that Spencer had and she leaned forward, placing a hand on Hannah’s leg. “I’m sorry for your loss Hannah.” 

“They were the best thing to happen to me. I love them so much. We were talking about getting married.” Spencer felt their heart ache, River was just learning to live and that was taking from them. 

“Hannah we will catch this person, we will get justice for River.” JJ moved her hand away and Hannah just nodded. “Did River ever mention someone called Michael Rodrigo?” 

“I don’t think so. Like I said, they weren’t one for meeting new people unless I was there. They were only there because I was running late, if I arrived on time I would have been with them.” Hannah looked out the window and Spencer looked to JJ before they spoke. 

“It is not your fault.” Hannah looked up at them and just shook her head, but Spencer asked their next question. “Can you tell us how River was with their family?” Hannah’s face fell at the mention and Spencer knew they had hit a nerve. 

“River didn’t talk to their family. The assholes disowned them for coming out when they were 16. It was a bad time for them until we met.” Hannah spoke about the family with such hostility that Spencer nodded and made a note to not bring them up again. 

“I think that is all we need at the moment. If you need anything we will be at the police station and you can contact us there.” JJ shook Hannah’s hand as she stood and Spencer nodded before they were walking out of the house together. 

The drive to the station wasn’t fun, it was filled with silence and Spencer wondered if JJ knew something about them, she couldn’t, could she? As they parked up beside the other SUV they walked in and flashed their badges, Hotch was talking with an officer before he caught sight of them both. 

“Detective this is Agent Jareau and Doctor Reid. This is Detective Aiden Kent.” JJ spoke the Detective’s hand while Spencer nodded at him and looked at Hotch who was also staring at them, with a slight blush Spencer looked away and listened to the Detective talk about the case. 

“Reid, can you come here? I have a map for you to start a geographical profile.” Spencer nodded at Hotch and followed him into the room they were using. “Are you okay?” He asked after the door was shut and Spencer just nodded. “Try again.” 

“I’m trying. They were both innocent, River was going to get married to their partner, Michael had been threatened by his family. I can’t help but see myself in them both.” Spencer looked to the ground and tried to ignore the words flying in his head. Faggot. Tranny. Freak. 

“Can you do this?” Hotch asked again and Spencer nodded. They needed to do this for River and Michael. “Okay. If you say you can I’m not going to stop you.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Spencer looked up at the man and saw a rare smile of Hotch’s face, one that they never got to see and they couldn’t help blushing again. Before Hotch could mention it the door opened and the rest of the team filed through and started to talk to them both. 

“The dump sites were normal. Nothing out of place, except for the blood. It looked like our unsub had to have killed them both there though and then just left. No DNA at all so he was organized enough to be careful.” Rossi spoke from his place in the room and Spencer nodded at him, at least they knew they were looking at the murder site as well. 

“The M.E said the C.O.D was blunt force trauma from behind for them both, she also said the unsub was taller than them both since it came from higher up.” Emily spoke and Hotch nodded, adding that onto the profile they had made on the board. 

“The roommate for Michael said he hadn't met anyone new but had an abusive ex, Garcia has information on him, and River’s partner said they never met anyone new.” JJ told them all and Hotch added that onto the information they had for the vics. 

“Well if the unsub is going to attack again then we have a day until another target has been chosen and killed. Let’s get to work.” Hotch told them as they all listened. Spencer turned back to the map, marking the sites, houses and the bar. If the unsub was finding victims there then he must be comfortable in the area. 

The others were talking behind them but they blocked it out to work on their own profile. The sites and the bar made a perfect triangle but it couldn’t be that easy, it never was. 

They had a cup of coffee placed in their hands by Hotch and they smiled at him before looking at the map again, it wasn’t right. 

“Are you ready to give the profile?” Spencer looked back at the map, they could get more information later if they needed it. 

“Yeah I think so.” They said and Hotch led them out of the door and beside the rest of the team before he started to speak. 

“Our unsub used a blitz attack on our vics, meaning he has to have some strength to deliver that blow to them. The hit also came from behind and from the angle he had to be much taller than them both, the M.E has estimated around six foot.” 

Derek took over for the next part. “Since both vics were openly queer we believe our unsub has internalized homophobia from childhood, and is a male since the attacks indicate strength over our victims and with Michael also being a gym goer the unsub had to be bigger.” 

“The attacks are organized, evident with the lack of DNA and the signature, but this unsub is also just starting out killing. The first vic had shallow cuts on his head, showing that the unsub wasn’t really sure what to do, but with the second he had a better hand. We are looking for someone who has had a recent stressor, a loss of job or even relationship.” Emily spoke from her seat and the officers all nodded at her. 

“Since they were both at ‘Safe Haven’ on the night of their murders we can assume the unsub picks them there or waits for them to leave the bar, this is his safe zone. He knows the area well and has most likely lived here his entire life or moved at a very young age. We have made a map of his safe zone and the safety net zone where he has dumped the bodies, he may work or live in this area.” Spencer spoke, all eyes falling on them as they rattled off the profile before they turned to Hotch again. 

“We cannot let this get out of hand. The media is on a needs to know basis because the more attention he gets the more likely it will be that he devolves. The bar cannot close but we are recommending you post officers in and around the place until we find our unsub.” 

“Why can’t we just close the place down?” An officer asked and Hotch looked over at them before answering. 

“It’s the unsubs hunting ground, we shut that down he is going to move into a different bar and we won’t be there to stop him. It will also alert him that we know where he is and it will make him devolve.” Hotch spoke with authority and everyone in the room nodded, including Spencer. 

“You will be handed assignments, no one is to go alone.” Detective Aiden spoke as the room went silent and the officers started to talk amongst themself as the team walked back into the room. 

“The race is on.” Rossi said as they all sat down and started to work through names of people who had been at the bar. 

Derek’s phone rang and he answered it. “Talk to us Baby Girl.” 

“What do you want to hear you handsome hunk?” She laughed before speaking to them all, “I have a list of people charged with lgbt hate crimes in the past 10 years, and sadly there is a lot.” 

“How many are we talking about?” Emily asked and Garcia took a second before answering. 

“324.” Spencer shook their head, why couldn’t people just be happy? “Give me things to narrow it down with.” 

“Lived in the area for most of their life.” Rossi said and Garcia started to type away. 

“278, more.” 

“No rape or sexual assult charges.” Derek told her and she hummed. 

“249.” She said and everyone looked at the profile on the board. 

“People who are either estranged from their families or haven’t got one.” Spencer told her from their seat. 

“180.” Hotch stood from his seat and moved to the board, looking everything over before turning back to them all. 

“Any chance you can get their heights?” He asked, and Spencer tried not to look him in the eyes, they really didn’t need everyone seeing them blush. 

“Boss I can get the time they go for a shower if you really want it.” She started to type again. “What height am I looking for?”

“Over 5’9,” Hotch replied and they all waited for her to speak again. 

“I have 10 names. Sending them to your PDs now.” As she spoke all of their phones dinged and Derek thanked her before hanging up. As they all looked through them, taking notes on them, Spencer could feel eyes on them again and they knew it was Hotch, again. 

They opened their messages and typed one out to the man. 

What are you staring at me for? I said I am fine. 

They watched as Hotch read the message and typed out a response before it was on their phone as well. 

Later. Focus on profiling the unsub. 

Spencer rolled their eyes but put their messages away to look at the files again. None really stood out but they took notes anyway, and tried to ignore Hotch’s eyes on them. 

As the day came to an end they weren’t any closer to finding the unsub and Spencer knew they were going to have a hard time sleeping. They had managed to get four rooms, JJ and Emily were sharing, Derek and Spencer were together while the two others would have a room each. 

As they all walked into the hotel, drained from the days work and really needing a drink, Hotch pulled Spencer beside him. 

“Are you okay?” He asked and Spencer just nodded, just wanting to settle in and read a book to forget about the case for a few hours. He seemed to take the answer because he let Spencer head to their room. 

Their room was empty when they entered, Derek most likely at the bar getting a drink and something to eat, so Spencer took the time to have a shower and change into sleeping clothes. They weren’t one to care what they wore but since they were sharing they made sure to be presentable. 

As they left the bathroom they spotted Derek on the bed, the file open in front of him as he frowned at it. 

“We have exhausted every possible lead today. We can’t do anything until tomorrow, after a nights sleep.” They said to him as they sat on the other bed, trying to convince themself as they said it. 

“I know but I can’t help but worry. What if someone else dies? What if we can’t save them?” Spencer looked down at their lap, it was something they always thought of before they caught the unsubs. 

“We can only hope.” They said quietly, repeating what Hotch had told them a couple of years ago when they asked the same thing. 

“Yeah. I’m going for a shower,” Derek spoke as he stood and Spencer just nodded before they pulled out their phone and looked through messages. 

One from Hotch and one from the group chat from Garcia. They opened the one on the group chat first, smiling at the message. 

Sleep well my favorite crime fighters. 

They send a small heart to her before going to Hotch’s message. 

If you want to, meet me in the lobby tonight. 10pm. 

They looked at the time, it was only 9:35 so they had time to decide. They had no idea what Hotch wanted them for but it could be about the staring from earlier. They decided to meet him, there was no harm in it anyway since they weren’t likely to sleep during the night. 

Derek was out of the shower and in his bed by ten to ten, and Spencer left the room after that, telling him they were going to the bar for a little bit. It wasn’t uncommon for one of them to work through the night so Derek didn’t question them as they left. 

As they left the elevator on the ground floor, looking around for Hotch, they found him sitting on one of the nice couches beside the fireplace. They walked over, sitting down beside him in silence. 

“I always hate these cases.” Hotch spoke quietly as to not disturb the peace around them. “They were just trying to be happy and free but someone took their own anger out on them.” 

There was something he wasn’t saying but Spencer didn’t say anything, just waited for him to talk again. 

“I always wondered if I would have turned out like the unsub if I didn’t get into college. If my father got what he wanted and made me like him.” He took a drink and Spencer resisted the urge to reach out and hold his hand. “I thought I was wrong for so long, I thought it was a sin and when I met Hayley I was able to push my feelings down. Then she left and I finally looked at someone who made me realize my feelings again.”

Spencer looked at him and decided to fuck it, Hotch needed comfort right now and they were going to give it to him. They moved closer to them, taking his hand in theirs and squeezing it gently. 

“It’s okay Aaron. It’s okay.” They spoke softly, trying not to scare him away. 

“I didn’t get it at first. My father had always told me that I wasn’t allowed to like anyone but women, yet here this person was and they made me happy. They made me really fucking happy.” Spencer felt their heart stop, he couldn’t be talking about. No. He couldn’t be. 

“If I didn’t get out of there I would have been an unsub. I would have taken my own anger out on people who were happy and free.” He sounded so defeated and Spencer just held his hand tighter. 

“No you wouldn’t have. The Aaron Hotchner that I know is kind and caring, he makes sure that children get home safe, that families are protected and that his own team is safe from danger before he worries about himself. The Aaron Hotcnher I know would never harm another person without good cause.” 

Hotch took in a shaky breath and Spencer waited for him to talk again. 

“Thank you. I needed that Spence. You are amazing, remember that.” Hotch squeezed their hand back and Spencer blushed gently before looking away from Hotch. 

“You know already but I am bisexual.” He waved his hand in the air and Spencer laughed slightly before leaning into him. 

“I’m proud of you Aaron.” They said gently, they didn’t move away from each other and as the night continued they drank in silence as they appreciated each other's company. As the staff worked around them Spencer could feel their eyes starting to droop and they yawned. 

“Let’s get you to bed Spence.” Hotch whispered to them and Spencer just nodded their head, letting Hotch pick them up and walk them both to the elevator. They didn’t really argue with being held, it was nice and warm in Hotch’s arms so they kept quiet. The elevator climbed up the floors, finally reaching the fifth where their rooms were and Hotch walked them to Spencer and Derek’s door before knocking on it. 

Derek opened it and raised an eyebrow at them both but Hotch just shook his head and walked in, placing Spencer on the bed before turning to Derek. “Fell asleep when we were talking.” 

“Thanks for bringing him up, I’ll make sure he stays asleep.” Spencer kept their eyes closed, not wanting to grin wide because Hotch had been good at never using the wrong pronouns, not even when talking about them to others who didn’t know, he just avoided pronouns altogether. 

“Thanks. I’m off to sleep now, night Morgan.” Hotch left the room and Spencer wasn’t sure how long it took them before they were truly asleep, but they didn’t remember anything after the door was shut and the lights turned off.


	4. Chapter 4

Derek woke them up with a tap on their shoulder and Spencer groaned, trying to bury themself under the covers again. It was far too early to be up.

“Wake up Sleeping Beauty, we have to be at the station in an hour and I know you like food before you work.” Spencer frowned under the covers, damn Derek for being so thoughtful. “I’ll run and get us food if you go for a shower right now.” 

“Bribery is illegal.” They said as they pulled the covers off their head and Derek laughed at them. 

“What Hotch doesn’t know can’t hurt him.” Spencer grinned and stood up, stretching their back before pulling their go bag onto their bed and looking for some clothes to wear. “What food are you craving today?”

“Donuts and coffee, please.” They pulled out some clothes as Derek nodded and pulled his coat on. “I’ll send money over when I am awake.”

“My treat Pretty Boy.” Spencer looked to the ground and frowned, they really hated that name but it wasn’t Derek’s fault. “Now get in the shower before Hotch puts us on the shit duty.” 

“Maybe if you stop annoying him he would give you better assignments.” Spencer moved to the bathroom door and grinned at Derek. 

“Well we can’t help that you are his favorite Pretty Boy. He is always watching you.” Spencer rolled their eyes before they headed to the shower and turned it on. They heard Derek leave the room and they let out a little sigh. 

They wondered what he had meant about Hotch, he didn’t watch Spencer did he? Surely not. He must have done it to watch out for them on the case since he knew how it had affected them. That was the only reason they could come up with.

As they showered and changed into their clothes they looked in the mirror and sighed, they didn’t feel right and they couldn’t do anything about it. Normally, they could wear a slightly more femimine outfit, maybe a necklace they could hide under their clothes, but they hadn’t brought anything like that with them. Smart. 

When they had packed up, pulling a book into their day bag, Derek opened the door and appeared with their coffee and donut. Spencer helped him carry them to the table before they started to drink their coffee in large gulps.

“Slow down there Einstein.” Derek said before he took a drink of his own and the two of them were silent for a little while, letting the sounds of the hotel fill in the silence. 

As they finished up their donuts someone knocked on the door and Derek opened it, Emily was standing there with JJ beside her and Spencer grabbed their day bag and Derek’s one as they headed out of the room and down to the carpark. They drove the two cars they had, parking them beside Rossi and Aaron’s SUV at the station and Spencer headed in first, their mind set on another coffee before the day's work started. 

As they were pouring the coffee they listened to the officers around them, most of them seemed to be talking about the profile the team had given and how to catch the unsub, a few were talking about going to the bar for a while after their shift to blow off steam. As they added sugar into their cup they heard shouts from the lockup and looked over to it. 

A few of the people in holding were shouting something while the officers around seemed to be ignoring them the best they could. Spencer listened in, wanting to know what had happened, and they wished they didn’t. The loudest voice was shouting slurs at everyone who passed and Spencer felt their heartbeat pick up. 

“Fucking faggots deserved it. Queers like that are an abomination.” Spencer didn’t know what to do, they knew that the person couldn’t get to them, probably couldn’t even see them, but the fear was still there. What if they were the unsub? What if they carved faggot into Michael and River’s head? What would they do if they had seen Spencer?

They walked into someone as they tried to get away, and when they jumped around they saw Rossi looking down at them confused. Had they fallen? When did that happen? Maybe it was when they bumped into Rossi? 

“Hey Kid are you okay? What happened?” Spencer shook their head, they couldn’t let anyone know, they didn’t want anyone to know. “Okay. So I’m going to help you stand and move you into the room with the others okay?”

Spencer didn’t react but they felt Rossi’s hands helping them up, and they let the man move them into the room they had used yesterday. They could hear people talking around them but not to them. 

“Everyone leave, let me deal with this.” Hotch’s voice was louder than the others and Spencer felt themself relax slightly, Hotch was safe and he said nothing would happen to Spencer. The others listened and left the room, leaving Spencer and Hotch alone. 

“Hey Reid, I need you to look at me.” Hotch was sitting beside them, his hands on Spencer’s lap as he spoke. Spencer squeezed their eyes shut, but looked up before opening them and seeing Hotch smiling at them. “Hiya. We are going to take a few minutes, okay?” Spencer nodded and shut their eyes again but leaned towards Hotch for reassurance.

“Words.” They managed to get out, the words were still flying around in their mind but Hotch’s hold was calming them slightly. “The words reminded me.” 

“No one can hurt you Spence. No one will hurt you ever again.” Spencer nodded at the words from Hotch, they believed him. The room was silent for a while, only the dimmed noise from the officers outside came through. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a scene. I’m sorry.” They were whispering but Hotch could still hear them and he just shook his head. 

“It wasn’t your fault sweetie. You have trauma and things are going to trigger that. Can you tell me what you need?” Spencer felt their heart stop, Hotch called them sweetie that was a pet name. Hotch called them a Pet Name. Hotch Called Them Sweetie.

“I’m okay. Promise.” They felt Hotch’s tension leave his body when they didn’t mention the name but it hung between them, Spencer knew that Hotch didn’t mean it, he probably just slipped up after a long night. 

“Let’s get us an unsub then.” Hotch stood from the seat and Spencer nodded after a second. They needed to come up with a convincing lie for the others, Hotch seemed to understand their train of thoughts because he just hummed before speaking again. “Tell them it is none of their business, they will leave you alone and if they don’t tell them to ask me.” 

“They are going to want to know. I just freaked out in a police station. Fuck, this is not good.” Hotch blinked in surprise at the swear but he shook his head and Spencer groaned again. “Maybe if I just say it was a long- no Derek was in the same room as me. If I say something reminded me of Hankel no one will ask more questions, they don’t like talking about that.” 

“Or tell them to stop questioning you because you are a big enough person to deal with things.” Spencer shook their head, that wouldn’t work. “Fine. Are you ready to go?” 

“Yes. Okay. We need to catch this unsub.” Spencer stood and followed Hotch to the door, their step was a little wobbly but nothing they couldn’t hide. The team were pacing at the coffee maker and Spencer could feel the tension as they walked out of the room. All eyes turned to them and the silence was deafening. 

“Sorry for that. I’m all good.” Rossi narrowed his eyes at them but no one called them out on the obvious lie so they looked to Hotch for the plan of the day. It was more of the same, watching the club and trying to narrow their suspect list. 

“Reid, you are staying with me here. The rest you are being split into shifts between here and the club.” No one argued against Hotch but Reid looked to the floor and tried to ignore the feelings in their stomach, they were staying with Hotch after he called them Sweetie, it could not go well. 

“Right. Get to work, we have until tonight before another body turns up.” As everyone started to move Spencer walked back to the coffee maker for another cup since their last one had spilled after the scene they made. 

The first shift staying with them was Rossi and JJ, and Spencer tried to focus on the files in front of them and not their stares. It wasn’t like they weren’t working either but they were staring more than profiling -- well they were profiling but not the people they should be. 

Spencer grew bored of ignoring them so they sighed and looked up to them both. “Ask me then.” 

“Are you okay?” Rossi asked gently and Spencer took a drink before smiling at him. 

“Yes I am, I remembered something and I didn’t want to.” JJ seemed to understand what they were implying because she looked away from them. 

“Has that happened before?” Rossi questioned and Spencer just shrugged, not really sure of the answer he wanted. “What does that mean?”

“It has and hasn’t. I normally forget what happens but Hotch helped me.” They looked over to the man who was staring at the ground, both of them were obviously thinking about the same thing. 

“How can we stop you from attacks?” Hotch looked up at that question and Spencer looked away from him quickly before they looked back to Rossi. 

“You can’t.” They replied and JJ looked at them with such sadness they had to look away. “I’m going to grab a coffee, I’ll get you all one.” They stood from their seat and left the room, they didn’t need their pity at all. 

They heard steps following them and turned around to see Rossi, he helped Spencer with a few cups and they worked together to make the coffee until Rossi spoke. 

“I heard what the guy in lockup said. I saw how you reacted.” Spencer froze, they did not want this, they did not want anyone else to know. “I’m sorry you have had such a shitty past but you know we will accept you.” 

“I’m not. Rossi, I’m not.” Spencer shook their head, their hands squeezed into a fist. “Please don’t.” 

“It’s okay Kid. It’s okay. I will never out you, that isn’t me Kid.” Rossi dropped a hand on their shoulder and Spencer stopped shaking at least, they weren’t going to be outed, but Rossi still knew. 

“I’m sorry.” They whispered and Rossi shook his head. 

“You are okay Kid. I take it Aaron knows?” Spencer nods their head. “Well I still love you Kid, you are still the Genius we all love.” Spencer nodded their head and Rossi smiled at them, the two of them started to head back to the office and Hotch watched them carefully, narrowing on Spencer’s hands as they clenched and unclenched. 

Before Hotch could call them out on it the phone rang and JJ answered it to Emily talking to them. “The manager said there were a couple of new faces in the bar on the night Michael died, apparently the scene is normally the same. We have a list from the bouncers and bartenders, sending them now.” 

“Thanks Prentiss, did the manager mention any fights?” Hotch asked as Spencer looked through the list, only two names stood out to them. 

“No fights that he can remember and the bouncers didn’t kick anyone out.” Spencer pulled the list of people charged with hate crimes and they found the names from the bar list. 

“I have them. Two people, John Leno and Harry Bell. Both were in the club and have been charged with a hate crime.” Hotch nodded and started to dial Garcia. 

“What can I do for you my Fine Furry Friends?” Spencer laughed at Hotch’s confused face before they were telling Garcia the names of the two. “Ohhh naughty boys, these two have at least 20 charges between them, all on queer people, they have ties to lgbt hate groups and both live together.” 

“Address?” Rossi asked as they all stood up and started to head out of the room. 

“435 South Commonwealth Avenue. I have sent coordinates to your PDs, go catch some bad guys.” She hung up and Hotch was barking out orders to the officers before they were all running to their cars. Hotch grabbed Spencer before they could get into the car with Derek and Rossi took Derek as a partner when he realised what Hotch was doing. They took off down the roads, blaring their sirens and lights so drivers would get out of their way.

“Can you do this?” Hotch asked them once they were on the main road and Spencer looked over at him. 

“Yes I can. I need to.” Spencer looked out of the window and watched the blur pass by before they were turning again. They looked at the GPS, they were almost there. “Do you think they have a dominant and submissive partnership?” 

“I assume so yes, we can discuss it with the others when we have them surrounded.” Hotch looked at the screen before taking a turn and going down a different road. “Be careful Reid.” He said and Spencer just nodded in response. 

They came to a stop in an okay looking part of town, a church just down the street and the house did not look run down at all. The rest of the team pulled up right after them and they all got out, starting to put their vests on. 

“Are we running with the idea of dominant and submissive? Garcia gave more information as we were driving, they met in juvie and have worked together for years. Leno is more aggressive, he has ten assault charges and three vandalism charges. Bell on the other hand is less assertive, he is the submissive.” Derek rattled off his theory as the officers started to surround the building. 

“Okay. We go in, watch each other.” Hotch looked between them all before nodding and they were off, running to the building and letting Derek bust the door in before they were going in after. 

“Harry Bell and John Leno we are the FBI.” There was a bang in one of the rooms and Hotch and Emily ran towards it as the others stayed back and looked around more. 

“We have Bell.” Rossi shouted back to them and Spencer was about to shout out to Leno before they spotted someone running up the stairs. “Stairs.” They whispered to Derek and the two of them headed up the stairs, guns pointed. 

“Leno we have you surrounded, give yourself up.” Spencer listened to Derek listen for Leno’s movement but he was silent. “Reid, cover me.” Derek whispered before he was in front of Spencer and walking up the rest of the stairs. 

“It was their fault.” Leno shouted to them and Spencer wanted to throw up, he had said it was the vics fault? 

“No it wasn’t and you know that. Now come out here and we can do this the easy way.” Derek was walking towards the door that Leno had shut and Spencer was right behind him. 

“It was. They were going against God, they were freaks. They all are.” Spencer could feel Hotch watching them from the bottom of the stairs but they refused to leave until Leno was in custody. 

“Spencer I’m going to knock the door in, you need to run in after.” Spencer nodded and moved out of the way so Derek could knock the door in so they could run in after. “Three, two, one.” 

Derek kicked the door in and Spencer ran in, gun raised to Leno who was in the corner with his own gun. Derek came in after them and they both trained their guns on him. 

“Leno put it down!” Derek shouted and the man opposite them shook his head. “Put it down. Now!” Derek was moving closer now and Spencer watched the two of them, they knew Leno would not want to die, he still had work to do in their mind. 

“Leno if you want to get rid of the rest we need you to put the gun down. Don’t you want to rid the world of all the freaks?” The word in their voice was hard, they were betraying their own community. 

“You’ll let me kill them all?” Spencer swallowed the bile in their throat but nodded, Leno lowered the gun and Derek ran over to cuff him. 

“You sick son of a bitch, you are going away for a long time.” Spencer didn’t leave the room as Derek pulled Leno away, they were stuck to the spot. The words they had been called, they used them to sympathise with the unsub. They were a horrible human being. 

They didn’t know how long it was until Hotch was beside them, his arms around their chest and pulling them into a hug. His voice low and gentle as Spencer shook in his arms. 

“It’s okay Spencer. I have you.” Hotch was safe, Hotch meant safety in their mind and as the man kept talking Spencer could feel themself come back to the world and back to their body. “It is okay, we got them.” He whispered into Spencer’s hair and Spencer let themself be held by Hotch. 

“Aaron we need to go before the press is here.” Rossi was at the door and Spencer tried to stand but their legs gave way under them, but Hotch was there to help them stand. “Kid it’s okay.”

“Dave, get the others to bring one of the SUVs closer to the door, I’ll get Reid out the house.” Spencer listened to the words but they didn’t take any of it in until they were being lifted and carried down the stairs. Emily was in the driver seat of one of their cars, pulled right up to the curb, and Hotch opened the door and placed Spencer in the back seat. They didn’t listen to the words around them but they knew they were about them. 

They must have fallen asleep in the car because the next thing they remembered was being in a bed with Hotch sitting on the seat beside the table. They had a different shirt on and it was much bigger than their own clothes so it had to be Rossi or Hotch’s, not that they really wanted it to be Hotch’s, not at all. 

“Did I freak out again?” Spencer asked, their throat sore as they spoke. 

“You had a panic attack, you’ve been out for a few hours. How are you feeling?” Spencer sighed but tried to sit up, or they would have if Hotch let them. “You are not moving for at least an hour, you really scared me,” He paused and Spencer looked down to their hands. “You scared all of us.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. Is everyone okay?” Hotch nodded and moved to the edge of the bed before he sat down carefully. “Can I read?”

“What book do you want?” He asked and Spencer grinned. 

“I have one in my go bag, 1984 by Orwell.” Hotch stood from the bed and picked up Spencer’s go bag from the floor before he looked through it for the book. When he found it he came back to the bed and sat back down before opening the book and clearing his throat. 

“I can read it, Hotch.” Hotch looked down at them and raised an eyebrow before Spencer just sighed and moved closer to Hotch so they could at least be warm while being read to. 

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Winston Smith, his chin nuzzled into his breast in an effort to escape the vile wind, slipped quickly through the glass doors of Victory Mansions, though not quickly enough to prevent a swirl of gritty dust from entering along with him…” 

Hotch’s voice filled their senses and Spencer leaned into him more, listening to him speak about Big Brother and Winston.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a few weeks since the LA case and everyone was still walking on eggshells around Spencer, they had brushed it off for a while but they were acting like they would break if someone looked at them wrong. Even Garcia was and that hurt, normally Spencer could trust her to act normal but she wasn’t. 

They walked up the ramp to Hotch’s office, knocking and waiting for him to answer before they walked in and sat down on the seats. 

“How can I help you Spencer?” Hotch raised an eyebrow at them and Spencer fought with the blush before they answered him. 

“Everyone is acting like I’m going to break if they look at me wrong. What did I do?” they sighed and Hotch hummed before looking out his window and then back to Spencer. 

“I think they all know something happened in LA and they are wanting to know. You did nothing wrong Spence. Nothing.” Spencer looked out of the window as well and spotted Derek and Emily laughing at something, JJ was at the coffee machine with Rossi, it was their family and they loved them. 

“I want to tell them. I do, but when I told others they didn’t react how I expected. What happens if they all hate me?” Spencer looked back at Hotch and the man just hummed before standing up and moving to the window.

“Come here.” Spencer stood and walked over to Hotch, both of them watching their team. “When you passed out in the car it was Emily who had to take over. She saw how I froze and she drove us to the hospital, Derek and Rossi made sure to get a confession from them both and they made sure they would not get an early release. JJ went back to River and Michael’s friends and told them that you had caught the unsubs.”

Spencer paused and watched everyone continue working below them, they had never heard what happened after they passed out, they just assumed everyone but Hotch didn’t care. 

“When we heard you would be okay we all calmed slightly, we didn’t care about anything else. We knew you wouldn’t want to wake up in the hospital so we got them to move you back to the hotel. Then back there I had to force everyone into their own rooms to sleep, it was funny for them all to think the bed was big enough for us all. I had to physically remove Morgan when he refused to leave your side.” Spencer laughed slightly, they could see Hotch carrying Derek out of the room. “I didn’t move from that seat until you woke up. I sent them all constant updates and I had to stop Garcia from flying out to us.” Hotch stopped and Spencer moved back to their seat as Hotch sat back down as well. 

“So they are careful because they care?” Hotch nodded and Spencer smiled at him before they ran a hand through their hair. “You are my family. I care about you all too, and I think I want to tell everyone. Rossi sort of knows, he said he didn’t care back in the station when I freaked the first time.”

“I know they would all love you the same, and if you want to I think you should.” Spencer nodded and looked at Hotch who was staring at them. 

“I don’t know how to, I mean you just knew and Rossi kinda knows. The only people I outright told called me a freak and tranny. What if one of them says something like that?” Spencer shook slightly as they spoke and Hotch moved over to sit beside them. 

“They will not and if they do I can keep them on desk duty or if you want me to I can fire them.” Spencer shook their head and Hotch grabbed their hand, he had been doing that a lot, touching Spencer when he could.

“I don’t want anyone to be fired.” Hotch squeezed their hand and Spencer squeezed back. “Can you be there when I do tell them? In case I freak again?” 

“I will be there but you won’t freak out. What if we ask Dave to have dinner at his again?” Spencer nodded and Hotch smiled at them. Spencer watched him carefully, watching the way he smiled at them. Hotch never smiled like that to anyone else, only them. He also didn’t call anyone Sweetie and that still sounded clear as day in Spencer’s mind.

They leaned closer to Hotch, and Hotch leaned into them. They were so close, Spencer could smell his aftershave, they were so close. 

Someone knocked something over in the bullpen and they both jumped away from the other, blushing and stuttering before they looked away. 

“I’ll be going. Thank you, Sir.” Spencer left the room, ignoring how their face and neck was red, and their heartbeat was fast. The others were cleaning up a broken mug and Spencer was able to sit back at their desk. 

It was a few minutes later when their phone dinged and they opened it to the group chat to see a message from Rossi.

Dinner at mine tomorrow? 

The others all sent a thumbs up and Spencer sent their own before turning back to work. They had a day to plan, maybe they could come up with something, a speech. 

They tried to work through the rest of the day, they really did, but they could still feel Hotch’s breath on their lips, they could smell his aftershave, they could feel him sitting close to them. The day went on and as they were getting ready to leave they could feel Hotch’s eyes on them. They said their goodbyes to the others before they were heading towards the train station when their phone rang, a call. 

They pulled their phone out and answered it without even looking at who it was. “Reid here.”

“I think we should talk. Can you meet me tonight?” Spencer took a breath, Hotch. 

“Yeah okay, where?” Hotch took a second before he answered and Spencer held their own breath. 

“Mine? I can pick you up from yours.” Spencer nodded and didn’t answer before they remembered Hotch couldn’t see them. 

“Yeah I would like that.” They were silent again and Hotch was as well, but it wasn’t awkward. 

“How about 7? I’ll make us something to eat and we can talk.” He was smiling, Spencer could hear it through the phone and it made them smile. 

“Okay. I’ll see you then.” Spencer didn’t want to hang up, but they were heading onto the train and the signal would cut out anyway. “Bye Hotch.” 

“Bye Reid.” Their phone beeped to show that the call had been disconnected and they stepped onto the train smiling. 

As Spencer made their way home, they planned their speech for coming out. They knew they couldn't make a plan for the rest of the day since Hotch always made them guess with their words and they didn’t know if they liked that or not.

They were on autopilot as they made their way home, humming along to Symphony 9 by Beethoven in their ears. They didn’t even realise they were back in their apartment until they had locked the door behind them and only then did they realise they had a Maybe Date with Aaron Hotchner. 

“Oh shit. That actually happened.” They laughed to themself and headed up to their room, they needed to shower and they needed a nice outfit, one that Hotch would like them in. 

As they looked through their closet, pulling out outfits before discarding them on their bed, they tried not to overthink. Hotch invited them over so he must want to talk. He wasn’t just ignoring what happened and Spencer didn’t want to either. 

They settled on a white dress shirt, fitted black blazer and nice trousers that made their ass look really good. Contrary to popular belief Spencer was not a blushing virgin, in fact they had quite a lot of experience but they didn’t feel the need to talk about it all the time unlike the rest of the team so they knew the outfit looked amazing on them. 

As they showered, not letting their mind wander at all because they did not have the time for that, they tried to ignore the nerves in their stomach. They knew it was only Hotch, he would never hurt them, but on the other hand it was Hotch and they had almost kissed and he called them Sweetie. 

They shook their head and pushed those thoughts away, not the time, and they stepped out of the shower before grabbing a towel and drying off. Their clock read 6:30 which meant they had 15 minutes until Hotch would most likely turn up because he liked being early. That gave Spencer 15 minutes to get ready and that was pushing it. 

They raced into their outfit, leaving the top two buttons undone and open, and they put a little bit of mascara on. They would have used more but they didn’t want to scare Hotch away yet.

As they were finishing up their hair, not that they could do much with it, the doorbell rang and they grinned at themself in the mirror before heading down. 

Checking themself one more time in the hall mirror they opened the door to Aaron Hotchner who looked like a Dream. He was wearing a black suit without a tie, and the first two buttons were undone as well. 

Spencer was at a loss for words for once in their life and just stared at him. They didn’t know the right combination of words to tell him how good he looked. 

“Hey Spencer, wow. You look, wow.” Spencer blushed at the words, they knew they looked good but they weren’t used to compliments at all, they didn’t know what it was like. 

“Oh. Uh. Thanks?” Hotch just chuckled before leaning on the door frame and looking Spencer up and down. 

“That was definitely a compliment. You should wear things like this to work.” Spencer knew their face was going redder at the words and Hotch obviously liked the look on them. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yes, I think I am.” They walked out of their small apartment and locked the door before they followed Hotch down the stairs and into his car. 

Spencer wasn’t sure what to do, they didn’t know if Hotch would let them hold his hand, or if they were allowed to talk about a random thing to calm their heartbeat. They looked out of the window, eyes watching the blur of the streets as they drove, the radio playing quietly on some music that Spencer didn’t know. 

“Tell me something.” Hotch whispered and Spencer looked at him and tilted their head, no one wanted to hear them ramble about things. As if knowing where their thoughts were Hotch spoke again, “I like hearing you talk.” 

“Oh. I read a report the other day that said in 2008 Russians dug up a small sliver of a human finger in Siberia, isolated from everything. The DNA extracted from it is nothing we have ever seen before, it does not match the Neanderthals or modern humans. Scientists have come to the consensus that it was from an unrecognised extinct human species that must have migrated out of Africa before our ancestors. I find that so cool, because there is an entire homo species that we have not discovered, and this adds onto the many we already know. I think it would be so interesting to learn what they did and how they went extinct.” 

Hotch looked over as they rambled on about the lost civilization, and they were sure he was smiling at them. “What do you think happened to them?” He prompted and Spencer took a second before answering. 

“Personally I would like to believe they died out peacefully, that their humanity just could not deal with the Earth. But since it was so long ago that they could have had nuclear war and we would never have known, and even if we had records they would have been kept in the Library of Alexandria and that burned down. Our knowledge of the past was put back by at least 1000 years from that so I don’t really know.” 

“I wouldn’t want to be repeating history, if they had nuclear weapons and died out then we have the risk that as well.” Spencer nodded along with Hotch. “Maybe we could learn though, change before it is too late.” 

“I hope we can or we might be in a loop, where we will die and in 20000 years another humanity will be born and they will make the same mistakes we have. Or they might grow and they might be the ones to reach the stars and meet aliens.” Spencer went silent as they turned into Hotch’s street after Hayley died he had moved somewhere smaller for Jack. 

“We can only hope.” He whispered and Spencer nodded as an answer because that is all they could do. The car came to a stop and they stayed in their seats for a little before Hotch got out and walked around the car and opened Spencer’s door before they could do it. 

“Thank you.” They whispered as they took Hotch’s hand and got out of the car and shut the door behind them before Hotch locked it. 

“You are welcome.” Hotch let them walk first and Spencer made their way to the door, and waited for Hotch to open it for them both. “Come in, please.” Hotch walked past Spencer and they could smell his aftershave again and they drew in a breath. Hotch had to have heard it because he looked back and smiled before they were both standing in the hall, Spencer's back to the door and their face red from blushing. 

“I made dinner and I bought that one lemonade like. Let me hang your coat up.” Spencer nodded, taking their coat off and handing it over to Hotch and watched him place it in the closet beside them both. 

“You didn’t need to buy it for me. I would have had what you had.” Spencer followed Hotch into the living area and sat down on one of the seats before he sat down on the other side. 

“I wanted you to have it. Dinner should be ready in half an hour,” He stopped and Spencer looked up at him, a smile on their face but they didn’t say anything. “We should talk about it.”

“Do we need to talk about it?” Spencer asked, they really didn’t want to, they could do other things instead of talking. 

“Spencer we need to. We can forget everything that happened if you want to.” Spencer shook their head, they would rather not forget. “Talk to me Spencer.”

“I liked it. I don’t know what you want to hear. I can tell you statistics about many things but I can’t talk about my feelings.” Spencer looked to their hands before sighing. “Do you remember in the station when I panicked?” Hotch nodded. “You called me Sweetie. I can still hear you saying it to me and I can still feel how close you were to me earlier. I don’t want to forget it.”

“I don’t either.” Hotch whispered to them and Spencer smiled before moving closer to him. “Tell me when to stop.” He said before he pulled Spencer into him. Spencer liked the way he smelled but they loved the way Hotch tasted. It was coffee and chocolate, warmth and happiness, it was Hotch. Spencer wasn’t sure if anything could be better than where they were at the moment.

Spencer moved into him, letting Hotch pull them closer and they broke apart for a breath before they were kissing again and it was better than the last. Hotch grabbed their hips and bit their lip gently, and Spencer loved it. 

Hotch pulled away slightly and Spencer rested their forehead on his and smiled before listening to the man speak. “We really shouldn’t do this.” 

“I won’t tell if you don’t.” Spencer replied and Hotch just hummed before pulling them back into a kiss. The last one was nothing compared to the next, and then the next, and the next. 

Hotch pulled away when a timer went off and he groaned before helping Spencer up so he could fix the dinner up. Spencer wasn’t sure how they had used half an hour just kissing but they liked it. They followed Hotch into the kitchen, watching him move around and set things out with a small hum on his lips. 

“What are we having?” Spencer questioned as they moved closer to Hotch, helping him place things on the small table. 

“A traditional curry made with my mama's recipe.” Hotch placed the last dish on the table and turned to Spencer. “It’s the only thing I can make without fucking it up to bad. The perks of having a kid and living on mac and cheese.” Spencer laughed slightly before taking their seat at the table opposite Hotch. 

“I think Jack appreciates your cooking as much as I do.” Hotch poured their drinks, a lemonade for Spencer and water for himself. “Thank you.” Spencer said as Hotch handed them their drink. 

“I hope you enjoy,” Hotch waited for them to take a bite and as they did Spencer closed their eyes. “I will take that as a good sign.” He laughed and Spencer nodded before taking another bite. 

“You need to make this more often, I think this beats Rossi’s pasta.” Hotch shakes his head but starts to eat it as well and the two of them eat in silence, a comment occasionally being said. As dinner was finished and the night fell into darkness the mood between the two of them was calm. No case threatened them, no dangers, nothing but calmness. 

As they moved to the living area again, full and slightly tired Spencer drifted towards Hotch, leaning on the man more, their hand being held in his and it was right again. They felt right.


	6. Chapter 6

Spencer and Aaron arrived before everyone the next morning, Spencer didn’t mean to fall asleep on Aaron's couch and they both didn’t care enough to wake up so Spencer stayed the night. 

It wasn’t that awkward in the morning, they talked about it and decided to see where it would go but not to tell the team because of the fraternization rules and because they weren’t sure how the team would take it. 

They had kissed more after breakfast, then in the car and maybe a little more in the car until they really had to get out and do some work. Before the others could arrive Spencer changed into the spare clothes they kept in their go bag so no one could ask why they were still in the same clothes from the day before. 

The others started to walk in, first Rossi who didn’t even mention Spencer being there so early, then JJ who looked at them for a while then shrugging and heading to her office. Spencer started their routine like they had only just gotten into the building, they made everyone a coffee and then worked on their own files. 

Thankfully they didn’t have a case for the day, giving them time to plan what they wanted to say at dinner, they had planned for many outcomes; accepting, not accepting, confused, and even violence — although they hoped they didn’t have to fall onto that plan. Derek and Emily wandered in after a while, messing with Spencer’s hair before they settled into their own work. 

The day passed without incident and Spencer was sure they were ready to come out, well as ready as they could be. As they left the building, getting a lift from Derek again they already knew what outfit they would wear. One that made them feel good and safe. 

They changed into the other vest, and shirt, placing their small necklace that their mom gave them, then putting a little bit of makeup on to give them some strength. They knew Hotch would be there for them, and that Rossi would be fine with it but they still worried the others wouldn’t accept them at all. 

Derek picked them up after he had gone home to shower and change as well, and Spencer took a deep breath before they opened the car door and got in. No going back now. 

The drive to Rossi’s felt too long but also far too short. It gave them no time at all to really think the plan through and they knew Derek had picked up on their stress. 

“Spencer, are you okay?” Spencer nodded as they played with their hands, cracking them and drawing shapes on the back of them before starting over again. “Take a breath for me. You are stressing over something.” 

Spencer listened to him, taking a deep breath and relaxing into the seat. They were panicking and it was obvious but they had a right to panic. 

“Slightly better?” Derek asked then and they nodded. They were close to Rossi’s, close to coming out. Breathe. 

The car came to a stop in front of Rossi’s mansion, Aaron’s car already there and Emily’s parked beside his, JJ was picking up Garcia so they would be here soon and Spencer wished for them to take longer. For them to give Spencer more time to panic. 

“Let’s get you inside. You need a seat.” Spencer just nodded along with Derek who helped them into the house and into a seat before they heard Aaron sitting beside them. 

“You okay Sweetie?” His voice was quiet but Spencer could hear it and they nodded. “Are you sure you are ready?” 

“Yes. I need to tell them.” They looked at Aaron before blushing and looking away again. “Later meet me outside again.” 

“Of course.” Aaron stayed sitting beside them and the others trickled into the room as Rossi cooked in the kitchen, he had kicked everyone out apparently. 

JJ and Garcia arrived a little bit after Spencer and Derek had, the two of them already nursing a drink that Rossi had handed them before kicking them both into one of his many living rooms that they had taken over for the night. 

It wasn’t long before Rossi was calling them through to the dining room, a large lasagne and bowls of salad in the middle with plates and cups filled with wine, and one lemonade, in front of the seats. 

Spencer took their seat, letting the others pick before they were all sitting down. Derek on their right, JJ on their left and Emily and Aaron across from them. They started to eat after Derek had dished some food for them and himself, it was good, like always, and Rossi knew it. 

“So any plans for the weekend?” Emily asked them all as they were eating and the conversation started to fill the room with noise. Spencer wasn’t one for loud places but here with their family it was nice.

Throughout the dinner they didn’t say much, mainly going over their main points for after, they knew they would do it after they had all settled down from the meal. They wondered if they would be able to tell them all, all those eyes on them. Would it be like the first time they tried to present in college? Would it make them panic? 

They took a shaky breath before closing their eyes and eating again. They knew Rossi and Aaron were watching them but they didn’t look up at them, they didn’t want to risk freaking out at the table.

As the meal came to a close, the drinks refilled and the party moved back to the living area Spencer knew they had to do it now or they would never do it. They were sitting beside Aaron on one of the smaller sofas made for two, and the others were scattered around in the other seats. They took a deep breath before turning to Aaron and nodding.

As Spencer stood from their seat all eyes were on them. They could feel the stares like they were pins pricking their skin, but they could feel Aaron beside them, giving them some strength. They had prepared for this, they had made speech after speech but with their friends staring at them they forgot how to speak. 

“Spencer?” Emily went to grab their hand but they felt Aaron shake his head, they had to do it now, they had to. 

“So. Uh. You know how we had that LA case? The one where I had that freak out?” Everyone nodded and Spencer looked at Aaron before they nodded and kept going. “In the station I heard some things and I told you all it reminded me of Hankel. Well I was lying, it reminded me of college and when I.” They stopped and looked to the ground, they could have dropped a pin and heard it in the silence. “It reminded me of when I came out in college.” They waited for everyone to take in their words before they spoke again. “So, uh, yeah, I am nonbinary.”

No one spoke for a while and Spencer wanted to sink into the floor and make everyone forget what they had said. They didn’t dare look up until they felt arms around them and they blinked in surprise. 

“I am so proud of you 187.” It was Garcia and she was smiling so much that Spencer started to smile as well, they would be okay. “Are you okay?” 

“I don’t know. I think I might be soon.” She seemed to accept their answer because she let go and they were pulled into another hug. 

“We love you still, we always will.” It was JJ and Spencer felt tears well in their eyes, they got lucky with their family. “If anyone ever says anything let me know and we can make it look like an accident.” They laughed into JJ’s hair and she let go before Derek was in front of them. 

“We need to talk later, I need to get better nicknames for you Reid.” Spencer finally felt the tears fall down their face and pulled Derek into their arms. 

“Thank you.” They whispered and Derek just hummed before letting go. Emily was next and she told them that they were still loved by them all. 

As they pulled away from Emily smiling and crying slightly before they sat back down beside Aaron. They leaned on the man slightly and they were finally relaxed, they didn’t have to worry about the team hating them for it. 

“Okay, so I have a question for everyone.” Garcia spoke as everyone stopped talking to look at her. “We should tell pronouns so we don’t use the wrong ones. I shall start, I use she and her. Em?” 

“I also use she and her.” Emily turned to Derek. 

“He and him for me, JJ?” Spencer sat up a little straighter and watched as JJ spoke. 

“She and her.” She turned to Rossi who took a drink before answering. 

“He and him. Aaron?” Spencer could feel Aaron talking from how they were leaning on him. 

“I use he and him. Spencer?” Everyone turned to Spencer and they looked around them all before smiling. 

“I am Spencer and I use they and them.” Everyone nodded at them and Spencer took a drink of lemonade before everyone started to talk again. They tried not to make it obvious that they were leaning on Aaron.

Spencer stood after a while, heading into the kitchen for a drink and they heard Derek get up behind them. They poured themself another lemonade before turning to Derek so they could talk. 

“I’m proud of you Spencer.” Spencer smiled at him before taking a sip. “I take it you don’t like being called boy? That’s why you keep flinching?” Spencer nodded and Derek hummed. “Is Pretty One okay?”

“Yeah I like that. If you call me Boy it’s okay, I mean you’ve called me it for years so I know it can be difficult to change habits.” They looked away from Derek and tried not to make it known that they really hated being seen as just masculine.

“No can do Pretty One, you don’t like it so I am not going to hurt you. Now what about dude? Or If I’m talking to everyone and say guys?” 

“I’m okay with that as long as it isn’t really directed at me individually.” Derek nodded at them and Spencer grinned, they really did get a good team. 

“Okay I can do that. If I say something please tell me, I don’t want to hurt you. And if someone else does something you don’t like but you don’t want to tell them I can.” Spencer nodded, looking to the ground before they were pulled into Derek’s arms. “Let’s get back to the others before they think I’ve kidnapped you.” 

“I am way too smart, I would never go to a secondary location with you.” Derek faked a hurt expression before laughing and pulling Spencer back to the living area. Emily was on the floor for some reason while JJ and Rossi laughed at her, Aaron and Penelope were sighing at their antics. 

“Spencer you need to help me! These two brutes are bullying me.” Emily dragged Spencer to the ground with her and the two of them whispered between each other and laughed. “Now!” Emily shouted and Spencer stood, grabbing Rossi and pushing him onto the seat as Emily took JJ, and the two of them sat on their captives with a victory shout. 

The three watching them laughed slightly before turning to each other and talking between them. Spencer was about to stand up before Rossi grabbed their arm and held them down for a little bit, the man moving to talk to Spencer. 

“I’m proud of you Kid, I hope you know that.” Spencer nodded, not wanting to cry because of his words. “Also you and Aaron are not subtle but the others don’t know.” Spencer turned around to him with wide eyes. “Later Kid. Now go and have fun.” 

Spencer stood from their seat and moved over to Penelope who was talking loudly about something and Spencer truly felt at home with everyone, it was their family and they would do anything for them.

As the hours passed by the atmosphere started to change, they were all growing tired and Rossi had already made sure he had enough rooms for them all to sleep in, he was good like that. Emily was the last one to leave the room, leaving Rossi, Aaron and Spencer alone with the fire on and drink in their hands.

Spencer gave up on pretending and moved closer to Aaron, Rossi already knew so they didn’t really care, and when they pushed right into Aaron’s side the man looked down at them before looking at Rossi. 

“He knows.” Spencer told him before they took a drink and looked back at Rossi who just nodded. “No idea how.”

“I saw you in the office and then the next day you were both in the office before me, only Aaron does that normally.” Spencer hummed at the explanation, it made sense really. “I take it this hasn’t been on for a while?”

“It has been,” Spencer looked at the clock, “29 hours, 6 minutes and roughly 39 seconds since he kissed me. So not long.” 

“Of course you know that Kid. Well your secret is safe with me. Have a good night, the two rooms at the bottom of the hall have a door between them if that is of any use.” Rossi left them in the room and Aaron looked down at Spencer in his arms and smiled. 

“He could tell me the nuclear codes and I wouldn’t even blink, he knows everything.” Spencer laughed softly, it was the truth, David Rossi knew everything and it was both reassuring and concerning. 

“I want to look at the stars, care to join me?” Spencer moved away from Aaron, standing and stretching their back before they moved towards the balcony they had been on during the last dinner. 

“The view is still pretty.” Spencer watched the twinkling of the stars above them, relaxing as Aaron stood behind them and wrapped his arms around their waist. 

“It is.” Spencer looked at Aaron and the man was staring at them, making them blush. “I had to stop myself from doing this last time.” Spencer went to ask what he was talking about before they were being turned and kissed, head tilted up by Aaron’s hand. 

As they pulled away Spencer felt themself swoon, how Aaron seemed to quiet their mind with just his touch amazed them, but it was addicting. 

“If you did that I think I would have died.” They chuckled before leaning their forehead into Aaron’s shoulder, letting the world pass them by as they listened to Aaron’s heartbeat. They wanted to stay there forever.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not condone the use of these derogatory slurs, as a queer person myself I know the damage these can do to people and I hope people realise that words can hurt for years after.


End file.
